100 Reasons I Hate Anything Twilight
by leopard high in the mountains
Summary: Just something I made one day when I was especially fed up with Twilight. Read and review!


100 Reasons I Hate Anything Twilight

**Intro**

I really don't have anything personal against any brainwashed fans. However, a few more awful books might change that. I also am not racist, and I don't have anything against Down Syndrome kids.

I'd like for you to point out anything that is absolutely wrong, but leave my opinions alone. It doesn't matter if you give me a lecture on how awesome it is, I will never like Twilight.

Oh yea, and these things aren't in order. I just wrote them as they came to me.

Let's start with a quote:

"Twilight is like a bad train wreck in progress. It's so awful, but you can't look away."

Bella always seems to think that her dad (and later on her mom) is stifling her and that she needs more freedom. But actually, if she'd followed their advice, she wouldn't have gotten into that whole huge mess anyways.

Bella whines. And whines. And whines.

Edward can resist Bella's scent with amazing self-control.

Bella is unrealistically clumsy. You can't be that clumsy and be able to live a normal life.

Edward watches Bella while she sleeps. Without her consent. That's not sweet, that's creepy.

Of course Bella's pale, just like Edward.

The Cullens have TONS of money. But do they donate any of it? No. Even Carlisle, who has spent his entire life helping others, doesn't seem to mind tossing money around. Alice refuses to let anyone in her family wear their clothes more than once, and purposely bribes a parking lot guard with several thousand dollars more than needed. UGH! That really gets on my nerves.

Edward wants to wait until marriage before sleeping with Bella, but then he wants to have some sort of make-shift abortion when Bella gets pregnant with that hell-spawn-thing. Um, personality change?

Well, duh Jacob becomes a werewolf. What did you expect, for him to be a normal teenager?

All of the males in the book are brave and strong, and all the females are weak, cowardly and whiney. Meyers may not have meant it, but the book comes across as really sexist.

Bella is obsessed with becoming a vampire, and bugs him ceaselessly for three books before he gives in. Why does she want to be a vampire you ask? So that she can be more like Edward and his family.

Renesmee. My. Gosh. Seriously, I thought it was a joke. First off, being half human and half vampire is lame, not cool. Also, what the HECK is wrong with the name Nessie?! I think it's a cute nickname. Renesmee sounds ghetto.

Jacob imprints on a baby. If him nearly raping Bella didn't make him a pedophile, then this did.

When Bella is finally turned, she has amazing self-control, exactly the kind that the whole saga says is impossible. One of her gifts you say? I think it's just Meyers getting a _bit_ lazy.

Edward is not able to read Bella's mind, despite coming across millions of people in his lifetime.

The movie's special effects sucked. You _are_ supposed to use your imagination in a book, but a movie is supposed to _show_ you. You'd think that they'd spend more time on such a big project.

Bella likes Edward because he's gorgeous. Edward likes Bella because she smells good and he can't read her mind. That's not love, it's obsession.

They glitter in sunlight. That counts as its own point.

Speaking of sunlight, it's supposed to be one of vampire's weaknesses. But Meyerpires don't have _any _weaknesses, unless you count getting chopped up by a vampire/werewolf and being burned down. That's not cool, sexy, or terrifying, it's lame and boring. Why should we care about the characters if nothing bad can happen to them?

Not having fangs is just stupid. Meyers tries to scientifically explain how vampires can exist, but there is no way not having fangs is practical. Things that suck blood don't have the teeth of an omnivore. If their normal human teeth were as sharp as Meyers claims (able to cut through vampire's diamond-hard skin) then _someone_ would notice! They look _slightly_ different _somehow_!

Didn't Meyers say vampires with gifts were rare? Then how come over half of the vampires in Meyers's universe have some sort of wacked out gift/super power?

If Edward were _really_ dead, then he wouldn't be able to procreate. The "scientific" explanation Meyers posted on her blog is BS. Is that sort of promoting necrophilia?

Besides Bella and Edwards growing obsession, nothing really happens. Yes, the last three chapters of all the novels (gag) usually have some sort of mini-crisis, but budding love is normally a _sub_-plot, not the main deal.

Blood red should NEVER be shoved into one word. Bloodred is NOT a word! Even now, as I'm typing this thing, Word has marked it as grammatically incorrect. It's as stupid and ludicrous as saying skyblue, grassgreen, claybrown, snowwhite, or iceblue. And she uses it OVER and OVER.

In Breaking Dawn, the Volturi just roll over and give up completely. There is no huge, climatic fight, even though Meyers had readers drooling for it. Instead, they talk for _four_ chapters, then up and leave.

Meyers based the entire saga off a dream she had. Does no one else find this creepy?!

An author who writes because they genuinely love writing wouldn't stop because one of her chapters in her thirty-odd chapter book got leaked. And it was a fricken' rough draft of the first chapter! Meyers only wants fame and fortune, and is milking the fan base for all it's worth. She's using you! Run!

What the heck?! Holy crow? Who says that?!

Bella instantly and without question welcomes back the person who ruined her life (Edward!).

Bella withdraws into herself for four months when Edward (rightfully) leaves. Then she repeatedly throws herself into life-threatening situations so that she can hallucinate Edward's voice.

The books would have been half their length if Meyers didn't spend pages upon pages describing how amazing, gorgeous, and godlike Edward is. It only needs to be mentioned once or twice in a book, not once a chapter. We _don't care_ how awesome he is!

Having purple bruises under your eyes _isn't_ hot.

Meyers uses the same words over and over. "Edward smirked and raised a gorgeous amber eyebrow, gazing at me with his amazing amber eyes. I gazed back at him, losing himself in his amber eyes. I shivered with happiness, and as I remembered the Volturi's bloodred eyes, I shivered with fright. Edward looked at me and raised an amber eyebrow in curiosity." Sorry, you get the point. ;)

Werewolves don't change by choice. It's called the "curse of the werewolf" for a reason! If Meyers insists on having an explanation for everything unexplainable in the saga, then she should have one for the werewolves. How do they change in seconds?

There is no creative structure to Meyers's wording. Every other sentence begins with _I_, _Edward_, or _then_. Well, I mean I'm not gonna go through the book, but I mean, seriously. How many times can a character raise an eyebrow before they start to look kinda weird?

Making her dad the sheriff was cliché. Even _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ couldn't pull it off, and that movie was awesome.

Her parents are divorced, making her desperate for Edward's support. A common bad fan fiction situation.

We are supposed to find someone who's cold, stone-stiff, indestructible, and _sparkly_ attractive.

Edward's emo. What if I'm not the good guy, but the villain? I love you-stay away-but come anyways.

Carlisle looks like he could star in a gay porno. Yes, I'm talking about the movie. Carlisle isn't real.

The hot vampire sex in Eclipse that should have killed Bella didn't. And then Edward's all distraught because he _bruised_ her. Give me a break.

Meyers's constant wasting of valuable page space by describing step-by-step how Alice flits around gets really annoying.

None of the characters ever develop, or learn something for their adventures (or lack thereof). I'd even go so far as to call the characters flat.

Most of the characters' personalities drastically change in Breaking Dawn, and for seemingly no reason. No, they don't develop, they just, poof, change like that. Edward wants an abortion, Rosalie accepts Bella, Jasper becomes more open, Jacob stops chasing after Bella, Bella's dad finally copes with Edward and Bella's thing, Bella's mom becomes more protective, etc.

Edward's not real. You will never be Mrs. Edward Cullen.

Seriously, how many stories of forbidden love are out there?!

Edward becomes suicidal after HE leaves Bella!

The books are filled with more plot holes than Swiss cheese (many of which I've already mentioned). Why is Rosalie a jerk? Why do Bella and Edward love each other? Why do vampires give a crap about human life?

Why can only werewolves' and vampires' teeth destroy vampire's diamond-hard skin? Still waiting for an explanation, Meyers.

The only reason this book is a best-seller is because it's written in first person, so that Meyers can roll in her hot little fantasies while she writes and teens can pretend that this completely carefree life belongs to them.

Edward has no personality. Think about it. If you disagree, send me six personality traits. If he's such a well-written character, it should be easy.

A century-old man obsessing over and marrying a seventeen year-old girl is _not_ supposed to creep us out.

Bella Swan's name has a special meaning. You know what it is? Bella means beautiful in, I dunno, Italian, I think. So her name is Beautiful Swan. Tell me that isn't just ridiculous.

Bella and Jacob and Bella and Edward's relationship just shows that Meyers is a pro-pedophile-ist-person.

If you drink animal blood, you are not and never can be compared to a vegetarian.

If vampires don't age, then why do the leaders of the Volturi have such thin skin?

What the heck does a chess piece have to do with the (suckish) fourth book?

Edward is emotionally abusive, and the nagging feeling that he is somehow manipulating Bella haunts you the entire saga.

The whole saga reads like a bad fan fiction. Everything always works out just fine. No characters die or are harmed.

Why is the baby growing so fast? Humans don't grow like that, and vampires don't grow at all. Looks like Meyers got lazy and needed to speed up the plot.

Bella never tells Carlisle and Edward that morphine does not take away the pain of changing, but just paralyzes you. Don't you think that they would have found that important?!

If they can run so _darn_ fast, why do they have such a strong love of fast cars? According to Meyers, they can run faster than the car, and they never get tired! Fast cars make them look like rich pussies. Oh, wait, that's right. They are.

What's wrong with Bella? Who _doesn't _want a thoughtful gift on their birthday? Oh yea, that's right. She was _pouting _because Edward wouldn't change her.

Jacob's angst with being a werewolf and all is sorta understandable, but not to this degree. It reminded me of a Disney Channel movie. Yea, the creepy ones with the kids jumping _through_ movie film.

Meyers doesn't do a very good job of hiding that this is a complete self-insertion. It's gross and creepy.

James using Bella's love for her mother against her sounds cool, but really isn't when it plays out. _The Green Mile_ did it much better.

These books are horribly addicting. Which means that even if you're in utter agony, you'll have to get someone to rip them away from you and burn them.

Young girls will waste their lives trying to find a real life Edward.

The books tell teens that obsession=true love. Hey, this is America's future we're talking about.

The actors in the film strike the _worst_ and most _random_ "cool" poses. Remember the baseball field face-off? They'll occasionally belch out a cringe-worthy one-liner too. Hang on spider monkey?!

I should have known. Bella's power is defensive, not offensive. How could I forget that women can't fight? Oh, yeah, and her awesome love shield scares away the Volturi.

Kirsten Stewart tries to make Bella seem sexy (she's not) and is always panting and clutching her chest. "Oh no! *Pant, pant, chest grab, not bothering to push herself up off the ground* "Edward, save me!"

Bella has nightmares for an undisclosed amount of time (presumably months) about Victoria, the rogue vampire (I don't see how following your natural instincts could be considered `rogue'). But when the invincible beauty finally shows up, she spots Bella and has taken all of several steps before Edward and a young werewolf rush up and kill her in a few paragraphs.

Emmett strikes me as obnoxious, and only seems to like Rosalie for her sexiness.

We are supposed to pity Jasper, but he comes across as laughable.

The whole thing with the youngest werewolf of the pack trying to make peace between the werewolves and vampires is cliché. That word came to mind as I read the saga a lot.

Rosalie is, ahem, a female dog. To such an extent that it's predictable and boring. I thought of those words a lot too.

Bella gets her happy ending, and none of her friends get so much as scratched. This is the real world; maybe Disney can do that but no one else!

The Volturi seem to be the only vampires truly with the program. Seriously, let's hide out in a small town and only drink animal blood once every few months!

The Volturi are not creepy nor do they really come across as evil.

The whole temptation theme is hilarious. What are we supposed to find tempting?

Bella acts like a total whore, practically begging Edward to sleep with her. I really had to give Edward credit for not giving in though. But then he wanted an abortion.

Since when does Laurent have dreds?! And when did he become black?! Knowing Meyers, if she had wanted him that way, we would have _known_. When movies are making an effort to be racial equal, it really shows. I mean really. It sticks out like a sore thumb. Nobody was offended when he was white in the book. Why should they be offended now?

Lullabies re usually reserved for toddlers and under.

Vampires wouldn't have been able to remain hidden this long. _Someone_ would've noticed their color-changing eyes or hard skin.

Robert Pattinson himself said that he found it creepy that Meyers based the saga on a dream. And he played one of the leading characters in the movie!

Making werewolves' body temperatures mega-high, therefore making them the ultimate polar opposites of vampires, was really stupid and predictable.

Esme becomes the mother figure that Bella recently lost. A vampire as a foster mother is just stupid.

There is no way _any_ vampire could develop enough control to become a doctor.

People will see you reading the book or watching the movie an immediately assume that you are a fan. After all, who couldn't be? If you let your true feelings show, however, you are putting yourself in grave danger of being lynched. Even now, I am risking my life. But it is also unacceptable to lie about the horror that is the Twilight saga.

Carlisle decides to condemn all of the dying people that he comes across to an eternity of agony, hiding, and self-restraint. I'd rather die thank you.

They are selling this thing for the amazing rip-off price of $20. That's hardback, by the way. No idea what the paperback is.

This piece of scum is not even worth a trip to the library. Besides "How to Poop", find me a book _that_ bad.

Emmett and Edward hunting bears and cougars is supposed to impress us, Edward even says that he relishes the challenge. What challenge?! You're indestructible! They aren't in danger of being hurt, therefore no danger, no thrill and no 'challenge.'

The only thing that separates us from the vampires is an extra chromosome. That's not so different from a Down Syndrome kid.

All of the local girls moon after Edward, but only plain, clumsy, angsty Bella gets him.

Speaking of Bella's appearance, Bella is a spot-on cliché of the new kid at school.

Meyers only has one year between each installment. Any good quality book takes two, three, or sometimes four years to research, write, edit, and publish. Meyers may be satisfying her fans, but the saga's quality gets poorer and poorer with each book.

Bella's demon spawn is painted as a perfect creature, even though it almost killed her.

100

Bella is the essence of a Mary-Sue. In case you don't know what that is, I'll tell you. It's a character that freaks out about tiny things, but is unmoved by things that actually matter. This may be due to the writer being so poor that they can't accurately convey the character's feelings, the writer's stupidity, or bad character development. Unfortunately, Bella suffers from a nasty combination of the three. So does basically every other character in the book, but Bella by far surpasses them all. I even took the Mary Sue Litmus Test (fairly) using Bella Swan and got 49 out of a possible 100 points. Just so you know, that's _really_ bad. It was recommended that I completely rewrite the story.

a/n: There you have it. My two cents. Please read and review, and all flames will be completely ignored. :) Thanks for reading!


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